My Realistic Condom Commercial

Condom commercials have always played up protected sex as alluring. A specific brand may “intensify the feeling” or “help you last longer.” A few will numb your penis for you or make your vagina tingle for “heightened stimulation.” Some condom commercials even allude to the brand’s ability to make you a more attractive partner.

Let’s stop bullshitting: Condoms serve their pragmatic purpose in keeping us un-pregnant and free of disease, but there’s nothing sexy about them. They look like a shedded snake skin and smell like a doctor’s hand. They can distract from the moment and make things a bit worse for each side, even though I wholeheartedly believe they’re a necessityespecially early in relationships.

After years of hearing Trojan Man commercials and spots comparing protected sex to fireworks, I’ve decided to write a realistic condom commercial. One that doesn’t try to have a superhero or a power man telling you how condoms will make you a fully-erect sex god. One that, for all intents and purposes, shows the real reason condoms exist.

(writer’s note: I don’t write commercials, so this formatting is probably wrong. Whatever. Sue me.)

(writer’s note 2: Please don’t sue me.)

*Close up of man with disheveled, stubbly face. Bags under eyes, betraying a lack of sleep *

I didn’t want to be a dad. I still don’t, really.

I average four hours of sleep per night. I’ve re-memorized Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. I ran out of food the other night and ate old baby food. Mashed string bean.

*cue child screaming from off camera as man’s eyes close and slowly reopen, pupils inching downward*

But I wasn’t careful. Now I have Richard, my… pride and joy? Yeah. At least one of those. He tries. We all try, right?

*super-cut of changing a dirty diaper, being vomited on and trying to calm a baby on an airplane, with the subject looking more exacerbated in each cut *

Kids are great, but I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready. Are you? Are you ready to spend all your time and money thinking about someone else? Are you ready to stop having fun with your friends because you need to stay home and watch the kid? I’d personally rather be drinking a beer with my buddies. Or sleeping. Yeah. Sleeping. That sounds nice.

*camera cuts to man holding the child, full shot, cue new product tag line *

Trojan Condoms: Don’t Make the Same Mistake I Did

* Boy shifts position, steps on man’s testicles. End scene with man screaming out in pain *

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