Milo’s Phone Call With a Long-distance, High School Chum

Today, after a friend sent me an old article from The Kernel in which now-resigned Breitbart hot-take artiste Milo Yiannopoulos wrote that he ranked his friends by income, IQ, and attractiveness, I got to wondering: Are there any friends Milo stays in touch with distantly? Any that can stand him after placed on such a list? Perhaps one he’s kept track of long-distance, only by phone?

Wouldn’t you know it, I came upon a copy of a call transcript soon after. Isn’t the internet amazing? Age of information is incredible, folks. I’ve attached it below, in full:

Milo: Hello?

Old Friend: Hello there, Milo! How are you doing there, old sport!

M: Well, I’ve seen better days.

OF: Oh? Do tell.

M: *sigh* I resigned from my job today.

OF: WHAT! You said it was going so well! You said just last week you were on Bill Maher’s television show after some great success at a local university speech.

M: Yes yes, well, that was true then. I’m afraid now there’s been a highly-funded effort to defame me.

F: Oh my. What’d have they said about you?

M: Well, they’ve been saying I defended pedophilia.

OF: That’s slander! You’re no pederast. Why are you resigning?! You should be filing suit immediately!

M: Heh. Well, you see, what had happened was.. there was a video where I didn’t quite represent my views properly.

OF: Wait. You mean… you actually DID defend pedophilia?

M: No no no, of course not!

OF: Phew.

M: I just said that I don’t believe the legal age of consent is justifiable or desirable.

OF: Wait wait wait wait wait…

M: And I said we tend to get hung up on this child abuse stuff and the oppressive idea of consent.

OF:

M: Are you there?

OF: I mean, I’m here, but I’m fucking gobsmacked. Why did you say all this?

M: Well, it’s not a defense of pedophilia, per se. It’s more a defense of ephebphilia and perhaps hebephilia.

OF: But aren’t those, respectively, sexual attraction to teens ages 15 to 19 and children ages 11 to 14?

M: Well..

OF: Listen Milo. I… I gotta get going. You, uh.. you.. We’ll talk.

M: I’ll be going on tour again soon, if you’d care to grab lunch! You can meet me at a local college campus.

OF:

M: Hello? Are you there?

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